everythings been a mess. a big terrible mess i left behind. this is getting to me. not just that one problem, but everything. but how do you put everything together? how to you patch things up? it's all up to me to do that. no else would be there to fix my mistakes but me. sometimes it's just so hard to carry on like this. to just live life as it is. constant headaches come and go, breakdowns, tears and what not. it is going to drive me insane sooner or later. i can tell.

but how do you save a life when it is already broken down? broken up into a million pieces. find all the pieces back and patch things up? you would obviously loose a few pieces after all the small cracks and chips. i can never be the same again. i can never love again. i dont want to love again. being hurt so many times is just not my cup of tea. i give up on relationships. i wont make anything happen. when it comes, it comes. thats my perspective now. nothing more. hell no.

i've been through all the heartache i can possibly think of. i've had enough of it. there's always this saying ... parents dont burry their children, the children burry their parents. i wouldnt mind having me burried first. but would my parents mind? of course they would. they raised me with all their love and energy. but what can i say? when my time comes, it comes. if i have to force it, i will. thats that.

rick.